My Russian boyfriendBecause there are large numbers of Russian and Ukrainian women seeking partners abroad, some observers assume that Slavic ladies dislike local men.

It’s not entirely true. Eastern European women exploring options of dating internationally are fond of Slavic men, they simply cannot find the one who fits their portrait of a good partner and at the same time likes them back.

Even western women find Russian men charming and feel they have a lot to offer, which they would love to find in their partners locally. (We are never happy with what we are getting, are we?)

My Russian Boyfriend

Diana Bruk is a young American woman who was born in Russia and moved to the Big Apple at the age of 5 with her family. She grew up in the States but due to her heritage speaks fluent Russian.

Her confession about dating Russian men is a must read for anyone wondering about courtship customs and rituals in the countries of the post-USSR.

I love (and hate) dating Russian men“, states Diana, and then goes on to explain why. “The macho guys from my home country leave me torn between my feminist beliefs and my sexual desires.”

I love (and hate) dating Russian men

“I love (and hate) dating Russian men”, says a young female writer from America.

Her story begins with the description of a fight for “her honour” by a Russian boyfriend, because in the midst of a drunken party, another guy tried to touch her.

In Russia, it is expected from a male to physically defend his lady, or be considered a coward. After the fight, covered in blood (!), the boyfriend approached his shaking American dame demanding explanations as to what she did that a strange guy felt comfortable enough to grab her, and why did she talk to another chap without his outright permission.

Both drinking and violence are the core reasons why there are 106 boys to 100 girls at birth in Russia, and only 86 males to 100 females in the total population.

“If he hits you, that means he loves you,” quotes Diana her mother’s saying, the old-fashioned Slavic belief, which is the reason why domestic violence in Russia is still widely underreported — as well as most other forms of physical assault, making it a “norm” rather than a crime.

Calling her relationship with Russian men “convoluted”, the daring New-Yorker goes on describing the peculiarities of the local dating etiquette.

Dating Russian Men

The liberal arts graduate decided to explore her homeland by living there, and temporarily moved to Russia in 2010. To provide for herself, she was teaching English in St. Petersburg.

“The first thing that you’ll notice when you get to Russia is that the women are astoundingly beautiful and immaculately presented”, she says.

I would add, especially in capitals such as Moscow or Piter (the affectionate nickname of Saint Petersburg). Just like in western capitals, people tend to dress up more.

beauty

For Russian girls working out to achieve the perfect body is a way to attract and keep a boyfriend or husband.

“If you tell them [St. Petersburg’s ladies] you pluck your own eyebrows and only get a facial once a month, [they] will look at you as though you have just clawed your way out of a swamp,” confesses Bruk.

I can attest to that. Beauty is huge in Russia. I would say, Slavic girls believe that for a female beauty is everything. And the main reason why it is important is to attract and keep a boyfriend or a husband.

Women in Russia are hardly ever seen without high heels or makeup and are always proud of their sensuality and appearance,” writes Tammy Dray  in her article for Match.com.

(Today young girls are wearing flats more often and style “casual” incorporating torn jeans and Converse sneakers is becoming a new fashion fad, so you may not see Russian ladies in compulsory high heels for much longer.)

“These insurmountable standards of beauty can largely be credited to the fact that there are more women than men,” admits Bruk.

“Russian men are patriarchal alpha males,” insists she, declaring openly that at first it is a huge turn-on.

The social responsibility of males to provide for their females is not only materialistic in the former Soviet Union, states she, but more alike paternal duty, where a woman is looked after by someone responsible for her, because it’s his moral obligation and delight.

Bruk also expresses her surprise at “disintegration of male hygiene and work ethics”, citing the poor gender ratios as the reason. From the same book, rape is something that “happens”, and is accepted as a fact of life, not a social problem, she recounts.

Why? The roots are in the hunter-prey dating model, prescribing to males to push to the limit.

The Hunter-Prey Dating Model

“You do not meet a Russian man, you are chosen by one,” proclaims Bruk.

I have been trying to bring this idea home for years, but she expressed it so much better. Post-USSR women are brought up to be passive, display themselves, and let men approach, otherwise you are not “modest”, which is what all guys want in their girlfriends (according to the local beliefs).

In Diana’s words, if a Russian guy likes you, nothing can stop him. You would think it is stalking, they think it’s being persistent.

“Russian men act like your boyfriend from the very beginning,” she writes.

This is her exact wording:

quote-bruk

Girls, apparently, are used to relentless pursuits, and unless they feel you are putting “all in”, they are not convinced that you are really interested.

Hunter-prey model

Russians believe in the hunter-prey dating model, where a male pursues the female.

You can see how it works on our site, if you feel that none of you is convinced about the other’s attraction: You because she doesn’t display any encouragement validating your interest, and she because you are not completely overwhelming her with the might of your desire to concur.

According to the hunter-prey dating model that is accepted as a statute in Russia, the lady has to resist advances for as long as she can (usually not for long, due to the overpowering siege by the male).

“Russian men are quintessential gentlemen on first dates,” writes Bruk. ” They bring flowers and little gifts… They open the door for you and pull out your chair.” And they always pay for the dates. There is no splitting the check.

Even true-to-the-core feminists apparently can live with men paying for them, if this is a “custom”.

“If a man insists on paying I’ll let him,” states Shannon, another American woman, writing about Russia. However, she doesn’t want to be a toy for her man, and says while she had Slavic male friends, she never had a Russian boyfriend.

Love Making

Love making

Love making with Russian men is more passionate, an American girl believes.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman wants a man who’s a gentleman at dinner and an animal in bed. … This the Russian man understands,” writes the New York feminist born in the USSR.

Maybe brutal love making and total disregard to his partner’s feelings (and satisfaction) is attractive to someone who is used to gentle care, but I would stick to my opinion that the majority of Russian men are not as skilled in the bedroom department as their western counterparts, who took time to learn a thing or two about female pleasure.

The downside of the powerful male taking what he wants? Bruk admits that Russian men still follow the egotistical mentality that “sex is a favor that women do for men”, which means that if a girl enjoys sex, she is looked at as a nymphomaniac.

Russian men expect oral sex but will not return the favor, the New York author corroborates.

Commitment

Diana believes that Russian men have an “inherent sense of commitment”, which means, having sex and just be friends is not something an indigenous alpha-male would approve upon.

Russian men are quick to commit to a relationship.

One thing that makes it crystal clear is the language.

“Russian doesn’t have a word for girlfriend, only wife and bride, so men approximate by saying “my girl,” “my bride,” or the English transliteration of girlfriend,” writes she.

This explains the surprising to the westerners desire of Slavic women to find a “husband” and not just date. There is no word for “dating” in Russian either. There is a word for introductions, and after that it is a relationship.

The answer to Diana’s question posed to her local students as to how long a couple should date until deciding to move in together was, “If he likes her, 1 day”.

“It’s obviously a case of emotional intensity,” concludes the American writer — the point I have been endorsing since the early 2000’s. It’s not the time. It’s now intense your relationship is that convinces the woman that she is safe to entrust you her heart and her Destiny.

Cheating as a Rule

Cheating

Cheating is considered a normal thing by Russian men.

Yes, for Russian men cheating on their girlfriends is not just normal, it’s expected and a matter of honour. A man who never cheated on his second half is looked at with disdain, including his one-and-only (is he not man enough?).

Having a “wandering penis” (what an epithet) wasn’t something that a young feminist from New York could manage, although this isn’t the main reason she is no longer into dating comrades from her native land.

“Russian society is a lot more forgiving when it comes to men cheating, lying or making decisions without consulting their partners,” agrees Dray.

In Russia, females are taught to take it easy and realize it’s something that will happen in the course of a relationships.

Lying about cheating and covering it up is considered honourable. Telling your wife you cheated is dishonourable, because you would hurt her by doing that.

The same applies to friends and acquaintances: If you tell a spouse that the partner is cheating on him/her, you will become the enemy of the family, as you were obviously trying to destroy their marriage. The fault is on you and not on the cheater, who is simply following his natural needs as a male.

Why I Can’t Handle a Russian Boyfriend

For Diana it was the patriarchal alpha-male, the macho style that she found attractive in the first place that she couldn’t handle in the long run.

Love is not ownership

For me, love is not ownership.

When the Russian boyfriend took a cup of coffee out of her hands stating she had too much caffeine already, this drew the line for the New-York-born feminist who could look pass the violence, but wouldn’t accept a male getting between her and her coffee.

For Russian girls over the age of 25 it’s the alcohol abuse and sleeping around that drive them to seek options elsewhere, but most of all, their desire to have a family with someone who is stable and faithful, which they believe western men are.

For me, I am simply not feeling safe with Russian men, considering all of the above. Love is not ownership, or being owned. Having a Russian boyfriend may start wonderfully and then turn into a nightmare. Lying (and cheating is lying) destroys the very fabric of a trusting relationship, and without trust there is no peace and security. And this is what a home should be.

But it’s only me. There are American women who married Russian guys and are happy.

Video: A Russian Boyfriend Proposes To His Girlfriend

Here you can see a Russian boyfriend at his finest, proposing to his girlfriend of 1 year. The fresh-faced lovers look so young, they wouldn’t sell them liquor without the proof of age.

“I love you very much. I need only you. Everything I do is only for you. You will have a luxury day today!” says the prospective groom, sending an air kiss into the camera, before going on a spree of flowers, oversized cartoon characters, and driving around in a luxury limousine.

This is the intensity that the adventurous New Yorker was talking about. Russian men can do that, and this is what Slavic ladies often crave in romances with western males.

 

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Henk
Guest
So basically what you’re saying is that when I go to Russia to meet my girl: I should act like a maniac by beating up the first guy that dares to talk to her (unless it’s a big guy; because getting the shit beaten out of me makes me look like a pussy); I should act egoistically by disregarding her desires in bed and only focus on my own pleasure; and I should act like a “wandering penis” by secretly cheating on her so her male friends (those whom I didn’t beat up anyway) will think I’m awesome (and that… Read more »
Anna
Guest
Henk, all this (what you described) is exactly why many Russian women prefer to have western husbands or stay alone. So if you act like that, you will be as uninteresting for Russian girls, as local men are. We DON’T like all that shit in Russian men. We just have to accept it, because most of Russian girls will never have any other choice. Their mothers, grandmothers, grandgrandmothers and so on lived like that, and they taught daughters that that is inevitable, so most of Russian women simply lack self-respect, and won’t seek better life. Most just don’t know English… Read more »
Mark
Guest

No wonder european men go to russia to get married, i guess women in EU respect them self to much to have a normal life.

Errrrr
Guest

It is not true. Russian women like to pretend to be victims. Russian women are very hypocritical. Russian men are tired of Russian women and want their own foreign wife.

Brody
Guest

In conclusion: Russian men are drunk, rapey, stalking creeps that the rest of the world disgusts and thinks less of. that’s about what I figured. Cool story.

Phil Coffman
Guest

Pretty much sums it up. I see it in Odessa often.

Milana
Guest
Спасибо за статью “Russian doesn’t have a word for girlfriend – only wife and bride. This explains the surprising to the westerners desire of Slavic women to find a “husband” and not just date. There is no word for “dating” in Russian either. There is a word for introductions, and after that it is a relationship. The answer to Diana’s question posed to her local students as to how long a couple should date until deciding to move in together was, “If he likes her – 1 day”. It’s obviously a case of emotional intensity. It’s now intense your relationship… Read more »
Tad Perry
Guest
Milana, You make an interesting observation. My only complaint about the Slavic ladies is that you want serious commitment from the very beginning. I wouldn’t wait years. I think I would move pretty fast for the right lady, but I want to develop trust and that takes awhile. And it’s been my biggest issue. I was on the verge of marrying last year, only to find that the lady doesn’t even trust me! No trust = No marriage, and this idea that love will conquer all? It’s a fantasy. Love is relatively easy to find, but sometimes only lasts a… Read more »
Milana
Guest

Tad, thanks for sharing your story. This is exactly what I’m talking about: every lady wants a man whose heart will say “yes, I’ve found what I was looking for and I want to be with you forever”. And, as for me, one year is more than enough to understand that. We’re all looking for our one right partner.

Boris
Guest

A lot of russian women dream about white prince, they fall in love with macho guys, and it looks like some algorythm. Also psychology not so popular in russian, i think that’s where we found rotten root.

Phil Coffman
Guest

Which explains why I do well with women here. I do not treat them as a sex object. I am probably the best known foreigner living here and my reputation as a gentleman is well known. These Ukrainian pigs called men need some lessons in manners. And I do not give a shit if it is their culture. Next to Islam it is the worst when it comes to how women are treated, Of couse, there are exceptions and I see some real gentlemen her, but far too few.

Ernest
Guest
Wow nice insight. I was this because I wanted to know the feelings of a Russian men when their girlfriends or wife has been approached in a public swimming pool. You see, I found an attractive lady swimming in a pool and found that she’s Russian and surprisingly married with a Russian man. I innocently flirted with her and gave me her number. All though there wasn’t any mutual sexual attraction. After a few weeks, we met again at the same public pool but this time with her husband. I pretend I didn’t noticed or know them their situation until… Read more »
Ashley
Guest

I don’t know why, but I had a dream about a Russian man and ever since have been wanting a Russian man. I have never slept with a Russian and have been celibate for two years. This dream was great, want it in reality….

Ivan Latishev
Guest

I’ve been living in USA for 17 years, and I would not even sleep with an American woman even once

Chris Salmon
Guest
This makes me not want to go to Russia. I couldn’t care less who my girl talks to or if someone barely touches her, she can make her own decisions on what to do about things like that. Now if some guy grabs her forcefully or ignores her telling him to get away, then I’ll step in, but I’ll try to avoid violence and use persuasion, if I can. On the other hand if I see ANY man hitting any woman, that m-f’er is going to have 240lbs of Comanche muscle in his face to deal with instead of hitting… Read more »
Mally
Guest

You are very nice Chris salmon!!!

godrunkurhome
Guest

Chris, you are the ideal guy that i’ve always portrayed as my future bf, his mentality should be similar to yours. Keep up with that legitimate thinking.

Valentina
Guest

Are you saying women are weak?! We can defend ourselves, thank you very much.

Harley S
Guest

We are not saying you are week, its all about chivalry! Standing up for your girlfriend or wife! But there are the exceptions- I date a younger girl a few years back that was 3rd degree black belt- she could handle anyone without me even saying a word, but always expected me to be a gentleman with her.

Harley S
Guest

We both feel the same way…I like how you think Chris!

Leon
Guest
If he hits you, that means he loves you” is an expression with which Russian children are brought up. Unfortunately we have to deal with it as USSR parents believe it is true. What I think is that a loving man will never hit his beloved wife. “I love you very much. I need only you. Everything I do is only for you. You will have a luxury day today!” says the prospective groom, sending an air kiss into the camera, before going on a spree of flowers, oversized cartoon characters, and driving around in a luxury limousine. – Most… Read more »
Arthur
Guest
That’s a pile of bullsh*t. I am a Russian guy living in Moscow, I usually split a bill, I never gave a woman flowers and I have never cheated unlike my exes (like why would I even date a girl if I wanted to cheat? Otherwise I will explain that I don’t want to date anymore and find another girlfriend). There is a word for “dating” – “встречаться”, there is a word for “girlfriend” – “девушка”; yes, there is friendship with benefits, too. Are you born in a dinosaur age or something? Face the new Russian generation. But one thing… Read more »
Mally
Guest
Arthur I think is very nice when I man gives flowers to a girl he is interested on, and more important to me is that he looks and makes me feel he is a man and that means paying for the bill, is not that I can’t pay for my own bill or half but is the point of him being in control and that that makes me think he would care for his family if he has one and I can trust him that if I ever have to be a stay home mom he can handle the full… Read more »
Sarah
Guest

Thank you very much Arthur. You have my respect.
Sincerely American women engaged to a Russian gentleman.

Maria
Guest
I’m an American girl dating a Russia man a little over a year now. While not all apply to my significant other (everyone’s a little different), a few got me laughing over how true they are! They are sooo intense, they seem to just make up their mind and that’s it, you are the woman destined for them. All of the compliments and favors that almost cross the line to cheesy but stay romantic. But especially how controlling they can be sometimes (your coffee example), when they mean. In their head you’re theirs, so maybe it’s a sense of alpha-protectiveness… Read more »
Stanislav
Guest

Us Russian guys love Russian women…dirty New York chicks with no presence of style whatsoever, dirty hair in the morning looking like they came out of sewer- thank you but I’ll pass

Mally
Guest

Stanislav you just made Russian men look really bad and make this New Yorker lady look like she is right! Sad!

Harley S
Guest

Stanislav- I feel you dawg…You forgot one thing- they all have a really poor attitude toward men all together.

sebhai
Guest

Except towards the french men.Of course.

Natalia
Guest

It is always like that, opposite things attract. Sometimes we are looking for something that we don’t have, or something what we find as “boring” may attract somebody else. I don’t need a guy to open a door for me or bring flowers, just I want to be sure that he cares.

Harley S
Guest

We do care, the biggest problem in the USA is that when a really nice guy comes along, 98% want to keep them in their lives as a “Friend only” and not interested in perusing him as anything more. I have maybe 15 female friends, and I am so tried of hearing about how “he” cheated on her, or went out with his buddies fishing on their anniversary, birthday, major holiday, or stood her up and forgot to pick her up at the airport.

sebhai
Guest

They’re not attracted to you.

Roman
Guest
People please don’t read this dyke feminist bullshit. This article is very shallow. Someone got real butthurt once and assumes all Russian men are cheating, wife beating psychos (if you hit a girl back home, you put your life in danger because other men who see this will beat you to a pulp, which is not the case in Western countries)!!!!!!! We are always very protective towards all women, even to those who are strangers to us. So don’t spread this BS about Russians. I am Russian and I dated about a dozen of Western girls cause I live in… Read more »
Sarah
Guest
Roman thank you very much respect to you. Miss. Elena: Not everyone is bad nor good we are all different for a reason no matter what country you are in or come from, you will fine that we all have the same problem everywhere. People are going to steal, lie, and cheat, that’s a fact of life. But then on the other hand there are some very wonderful and nice people out there both men and women. These people don’t cheat or lie nor beat someone or drink themselves into a coma. I’am now engaged to a wonderful sweet Russian… Read more »
Steph
Guest
I have no problem with this! Except for the beating part, other than that it is a thing in Mexico too (or at least in my family which has Mexican, Italian duality) so keeping cool about cheats and instead welcoming the sidechick (as a slap in the face to him) is a tactic or thing we “supposedly” do. I haven’t because I never had the chance at a relationship. Though I’ve been reading about Russian men and learning their language and culture a bit, so far very few has ben reported from them. It is usually more about Russian women,… Read more »
Bryan
Guest
Good Article. I think the problem people over look in the ratio of women to men in Ukraine, Russia and other Slavic countries. I read an article, forget were now, which stated the ratio in most Slavic countries is something around 83 men to every 100 woman. In the US, this number is high, but near the this number. So, a cheater or wife beater will appear more prevalent. With this said, I have met and spoken with many Slavic women in my travels, which state drinking, cheating and beating are reason for them looking elsewhere for a husband. The… Read more »
Lisa
Guest

Russian men are strong and handsome. But I do not want to say that men of other nations are ugly. I just like to remind everyone that any man should be strong and attractive, and love only one girl for life. Men should remember this!

Anna
Guest
Diana is a bit exaggregating i would say. There are “non-macho” men in Russia, and chances to have respectful equal relationships, especially in big cities. But i admit, it’s still not common. Also there is a huge amount of Russian men who have all the described “macho” attitudes, but won’t keep any patriarchial obligations. They hate girls who expect men will pay for the dinner, make expensive gifts and sponsor her financially after marriage. But at the same time they would feel you are inferior to them. They need a wife for a single purpose – to be served around,… Read more »
tanase Ion
Guest
don’t full yourselves the Eastern European countries are in full transformation, and most of the info is years old yes, it may hold some ground in the small towns, but in the large urban areas the dating/courting rules have changed dramatically 1. most of the time both genders will not marry as fast as they used to. Yes they may still marry somehow faster (using the western standards), but now they will enjoy a long non-marriage union without any pressure to marry 2. men are less protective and demand more from women. Yes, this is a sad news, but there… Read more »
Emma
Guest

I’ve been dating with russian guys, and even though now i’m married to swede, i can’t say that our guys are so much worse. I don’t want to sound trivial, saying that “there are different people, blah-blah”, but it’s actually true, and due to my experience with russians, my ex-boyfriends never cheated on me (i’m pretty sure), they’ve never acted like alpha-males, which i so hate. If someone has such relationships, it’s only because they (girls) accept it!

Mary
Guest

I think that there are strengths and weaknesses in each nationality. Russian men are very strong, often despots. European men are more loyal, the respect the freedom and personal space of their women. But we must remember that there are exceptions to any rule. And Russian man can be a wimp, and an intelligent European can become a tyrant at home.

RobertAI
Guest
Dear Elena! Look like I need advise: “Lying about cheating and covering it up is considered honourable. Telling your wife you cheated is dishonourable, because you would hurt her by doing that.” I hate lying, that is unquestionable, maily for personals (authorities different mainly to defend friends I done it). I never been married, I can’t see the future: will be there another female for casual sex activities or not (there are things what we don’t do witht beloved wifes, just with whores). But if I do it I prefer to do with my wife knowledge, even approval. Is that… Read more »
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