Guest author: an American Man
I began my search for a partner worldwide after realizing that American women in general were very difficult to deal with. I had no trouble getting dates, but within a short time I found that the women were very demanding and pushy to a point that I didn’t want to be around them. I don’t consider myself unreasonable, but I began to wonder if maybe I was not understanding my role in the dating world.
I have a lot of single male friends that began to bring up the same things I saw when dating. It became obvious, at least to us, that women in America are very difficult to be with. We agreed it was probably the current culture in the USA, and more than a few of my friends had begun to look elsewhere in the world for a partner.
I knew several men that had married Ukrainian or Russian women and their relationships seemed to be working well. Several of these couples have been together for over 10 years and that proved there might be something to going overseas with my search. I began going online and did some research before joining a few dating sites.
The purpose of relaying my experience to this point is to give you an idea of what I was thinking along the way, and based on conversations with my friends, they had the same experience. We all tried to date American women first, became frustrated, investigated international dating, found lots of information on scams, decided not to try it, and went back to American women.
That’s correct. We decided not to try dating internationally because of all the negative press. So why did I eventually change my mind? My experiences with American women were so bad I was willing to take a huge risk even though the press said “Don’t Do It!”
It is important to realize that American men have been told constantly that dating internationally is a bad thing and only for losers. I don’t consider myself a loser, although I’m sure many American women would think differently. I have a good business, pay all my bills, take care of my responsibilities, and have always been loyal to friends and family. So when I started dating internationally I was as suspicious of the women in other countries like I was of American females.
With this in mind I will try to explain why I didn’t always make first contact with women on Elena’s Models.
5 Reasons why I am not contacting you
- You are too beautiful
I know it sounds crazy but there are more beautiful women on this site than I have ever seen. In America, women this beautiful are unapproachable by men unless they are male models or very flashy with their wealth. How am I to choose between so many women and find out if they will even talk to me?
Until I actually visited Ukraine and met one of the women I talked with online I was very suspicious. Not because she gave me any real warning signs, but because it is not the same as in America.
- There are so many profiles
There are so many profiles to look through I found myself overwhelmed. It took me weeks just to decide which women to contact to see if we had any common interests. It takes time to read profiles and as a serious man I read everything you write, or at least until I see something that I think is incompatible.
- I don’t speak Russian
Actually, I know a few words but not enough to have a conversation. Even after travelling to Ukraine and Russia I only understand enough to get me by as a tourist. Where I live in the USA Russian isn’t spoken, and even though I live near a very large city, I had to travel more than one hour to take lessons.
- There are no pictures
If your profile has no picture I won’t ever consider it. It’s almost the same with poor picture quality or only one small photo. Not because I care so much about how you look, but because I don’t think you are serious about dating someone from another country.
In addition, it makes me very suspicious because it seems you are hiding something. I am used to this in America and anything that makes me think of Western women is a turnoff.
- Incomplete profile
Even if you have the best photos and I am interested in how you look I will not contact you if there is no other information. Again, this makes me think you are not serious enough to take the time to give more information about who you are or what you want. Why would I contact someone if there is no way to know if we have anything in common?
Here are my suggestions to overcome the issues above…
Dating tips for women
- Contact me first if you have any interest at all!
I would never think of this as a bad thing and I may have been considering your profile for a while. Contacting the man first is very flattering and puts you at the top of the list in terms of whom I will talk to.
My current girlfriend lives in Moscow and contacted me first. I had looked at her profile several times but was already talking to several other women. When I got her mail I immediately began conversations with her and we were a match!
- Learn the language of the country you are interested in
Typing a conversation is tedious and takes a lot of effort. It is difficult to get the meaning of everything and makes the relationship much more difficult. Talking to my male friends I can tell you this is a big issue. They think they will have to learn a new language to date internationally and that is something many men are not willing to do. Even if you are just beginning to learn, it shows that you are actually preparing for a life in a new country.
I am serious about finding a woman to move to my country and the English language is a basic necessity. You don’t have to be fluent, but if you are serious about moving to an English speaking country you should at least be taking lessons.
- Use good quality photos
The most prominent item in your profile is your photo. It catches the attention and is the reason I stop to read more. The more photos, the better. Not all your photos need to be professional quality but the main one does.
When the profile is opened there are more photos at the very top left of the page. Even though the main one needs to be professional I don’t mind seeing others that are simple snapshots in different locations. Having a lot of pictures keeps me on your page longer, and the longer I am there the more likely I am to contact you.
- Fill out your profile completely
I can’t understand why this is so difficult. Profiles seem to come in two forms. Nothing on the page or a book of information. Too much information can be just as bad as too little. The basics provided by the website format is usually enough to give me the info I need to make a decision as to whether or not I think I should contact you.
If you see that I looked at your profile but didn’t contact you, contact me. Just because I didn’t send you a message doesn’t mean I’m not interested. There could be a hundred reasons including being interrupted while on the computer to wanting to say just the right thing in a message to you. It could also be that someone just sent me a message first…
- Be Patient
I’m an American man so I have been through a few horrible dates with women in my country. Ask any man that you meet from America about his worst date and I’m sure he will have to choose from a large number of terrible instances. I am always cautious because of this and sometimes even suspicious at first.
I needed time to adjust to a different culture and please remember that I’m not familiar with most of the way things are done in your country. For instance, I also don’t understand if I send you a message and it takes a week to get a response. In America, most people respond to mail in less than one day. I have learned not to worry about not getting mail replies for a week or more when dealing with my Ukraine and Russian friends, but it took some time for me to learn this.
I can’t speak for all men but these are my personal reasons for not contacting women on Elena’s Models website. I’m sure other men have different reasons but the guys I have talked to usually say the same thing.
Remember I told you about my girlfriend in Moscow? I can’t think about what would have happened if she hadn’t contacted me first. We have been together for almost a year and have met several times in person. During the summer I will visit her in Russia for a full month, and for me, it’s the best reason for not contacting anyone else. 🙂
Read also:
- My Russian love story (by Dave)
- Can I really meet someone? — The story of Simon and Tatsiana
- Talk to women on Skype — Why it works
- International dating — Why meeting foreign women is smart
>> All articles (in English)
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Great Article Elena. I felt like I was reading my own thoughts and experiences. Especially when it comes to women where I live in Canada. Not all women are difficult here, however, those one’s are usually in committed relationships. They don’t stay single for long. The author’s experiences regarding the real attractive women in North America is so true. If a guy isn’t a model or really wealthy they don’t look at you. I don’t even consider trying to connect with women I think are very attractive anymore. Some are just plain rude. It is sad there is so much… Read more »
Kerry, thank you for the kind words.
This article is by a EM member, we are open to submissions! 🙂
Share your experiences and tips, reality is what it is, it works because it works.
I hate to break it to you Kerry but I have dated anywhere from plain Jane to super beautiful girls and have not had any issues with attracting the really attractive ones. There is an old saying that water seeks its own level. Personally when dating American women I find the average girls a lot more appealing. They are less vain and not so hypercritical of everything, including themselves. They are not so high maintenance and are actually more comfortable with themselves. They are simply more easy going and make better partners. If you are trying to date out of… Read more »
That article has got so many true things. I think that every person who would like to meet a good friend or one love for the whole life must read this. I think too that each of us must be patient, with good pictures in profiles and with a good knowledge of language…
Those five reason were dead on. All the things that the gentlemen was speaking about was all in my head. But I’m still trying to hang in there and be more patient for whom I’m seeking on this site. But keep those great articles coming. They are very helpful to us American men to under stand more about woman from Russia and Ukraine.
Good and honest point of view. I live in New Jersey and have been on American dating site for about two years and went out on a few frustrating dates. American woman look for outter beauty and well financially person. Fact is I have seen these woman on the same website all this time and they are still looking, they have a list of demands and expensive thing they like to do. Some show their income level and I wonder how can you do all these things ? I believe American woman are brainwashed in college reason why we have… Read more »
Walter, most women also come to our dating site after some frustrating experiences with men at home, and the press in Russia and Ukraine usually portrays marriages to foreigners in a negative light, so it’s a very similar situation. Although I think with so many people moving, working, and travelling internationally, these negative views are not as strong as they used to be 10-20 years ago, so many couples meet online, they are the living proof it works.
Actually I would like to comment on this. I think he provides a lot of correct information. However, I think a few points should be clarified about pictures and how they can help you or hurt you. Do you want a man who thinks you are beautiful? Do you want a man who says you are beautiful and makes you feel beautiful? Then it is first very important to understand that each man likes something different. Some men like wide hips, some men like narrow hips. Some men like narrow waists, some men don’t care at all. Some men like… Read more »
Guys, you also need good photos!
Dressed nicely and with a smile 🙂
And NOT made by a mobile phone in a mirror of your bathroom 🙂 🙂
Here here! Very well said…I concur.
This is a fantastic article, and is accurately describing my thoughts on Day #3 of considering this as a real possibility.
Every his word is so true. Really. I always see profiles without photos, or without any particular information, or, on the contrary, very strange profiles with tonnes of useless information. Profile is our face and it must be filled in the best way.
I can only agree with this article 100%, also, with -photos. Having studio photos is nice, and they are eye catching, which is an important part of your bio. You also need normal photos of your regular life. If you work in a hospital, have a picture in your scrubs, if you do gardening in your yard, have the neighbor take a picture of you. If you bicycle, have one of you on your bike, maybe outside your favorite cafe. As silly as this sounds, letting us know your a real person is important. We will be going to the… Read more »
Russell, I totally agree with you. BUT!!! And there is a HUGE “but”. Most of you guys have a lot to say about women’s photos but you have horrible photos in your profile. I am usually the one changing men’s photos in the right panel on the girls’ blog (just as you see girls’ photos “Meet them today” here), and I go page by page unable to pick 12 photos that are: 1) Well lit 2) You are dressed nicely (a collared shirt please) 3) You smile 🙂 You complain about women’s photos all the time but your own pics…… Read more »
As for differences between American and Russian or Ukrainian women I completely agree with it. It is so because there are different cultures, mentalities, and living standards in these countries.
Of course, there are a lot of problems with women’s profiles as this American man has mentioned, but men’s profiles are not also ideal. There can be a lot of reasons for an incomplete profile. So we must be sympatheitc to each other.
The article is really useful, many thanks to the author and to Elena for placing it here. It would be interesting to learn about other things men pay attention to while choosing among women’s profiles. And what makes men decide against responding a woman’s EOI or letter, sometimes even without reading it? To tell the truth, this is not a rare situation, and for two of my friends (they both are quite pretty-looking women with university degrees and a good knowledge of English, aged 34 and 40) that even was the reason to quit the site – so much disappointment… Read more »
Irina, both men and women don’t respond to all letters. (Read men’s discussion here) At best, people respond positively to 1 in 10 mails/EOI’s. Men also have to pay to answer mails, and many men register but never upgrade their memberships. Lots of people online register on sites but never login again. It’s pretty normal on any genuine dating site, where people have the freedom to do what they want. Most attractive men and women receive lots of mails (it depends in a great extent on your photos). But if someone genuinely likes you, they will respond — it’s as… Read more »
I agree with most of this article’s suggestions, but would add that if i do not answer women, is simply because i am not interested, and i’d rather use my time to find the right partner. I know it may sound rude in some way, but i am not on the dating website to satisfy everybody, but to effectively find my bride, as simple as that. A lack of answer does not mean a lack of consideration. It is not because i do not use all the tools available, that i am not good. About patience, i also think that… Read more »
As for me, profile photos and information on someone’s page can’t fully tell you about the personality. You shouldn’t judge a person only by those characteristics, but try to communicate with. I guess that only after some time you can know who that, what she or he is interested in, what lifestyle has, etc. Don’t take all seriously, try to chat and then you will choose what to do.
I think both American and Ukrainian women can stay on dating sites for a long period of time and find just disappointment because of their own character. Women should develop their human and female qualities for themselves first and then they sure find their destiny.
I agree with most of the article, accept the part about ‘women contacting me first’, maybe i’m just a bit old fashioned but i like the anticipation of the contacting the women first, and chasing her a little, and I think the woman respects you a little more, if you show the initiative, and take the lead – but that’s just my thoughts. And one more reason for not replying to EOI’s and messages, which i feel is worth a mention; the women who contact me without even looking at my profile, it just starts the alarm bells ringing, i… Read more »
The photo of a man or a woman shoud not be 100% correct. It is pretty boring to see glossy clean photo (if you see a lot of “good photos” in a row, all they are similar, in fact). The photo shuld be live, having a certain zest – this affects (in good sence) ! But without excess dramatiс effect, this is artificial a bit.
Yes, u r right. I don`t know why any people dont fill their profile 100% and dont load photo.If u want to get acquainted u should do it thoroughly. How was ur Ukraine staying?
Here are some comments about different areas of the article: Profiles: The more information the better for me. Sorry, one sentence is not enough. I want to know the lady and everything about her in the end. So, I want enough in the profile to at least establish some kind of common ground. Photos: Professional ones are good, but personally, I like the ones that show the lady in every day life as well. And, selfies that just show the face and not all of the lady are not the best. And, please on selfies, resist the urge to pout… Read more »
I would like to add reason #6 – the woman wants to meet soon and not write 1000s of letters. I live in the USA and use my 2 weeks vacation to meet a woman. This means I can make 1 trip a year and if it doesn’t work out, I have to wait until next year to try again. I have written to women who want to meet soon, and usually get very basic letters with very little insight into an woman’s personality. This leads into tip #6 for women – write detailed letters. If a man sends you… Read more »
A two page letter can’t be understood by a non-English speaker. Not only does she need to translate, but the import of a conversation of this level of complexity would be all but impossible for her to grasp. So then what does she do? She can’t make a follow up response to a communication she doesn’t really understand.
Another thing is this. Russian people are not nearly as verbose as we are lol. She will wonder ‘why is he telling me all this?’ It’s strange to her and her own feelers are beginning to vibrate. ‘Hmmm, is this guy ok?’
I agree with Paul Rose. A 2 page letter is way too much information at once. Unless you already are in an exclusive relationship you cannot expect the lady to spend – like you do – hours on writing an equally long letter back. Keep it short and write her more every (odd) day with only 1-2 paragraphs. That will be feasible. And yes, the ladies want to meet asap. Elena has another blog post where she writes what the ladies think of months long correspondance: “yuck”. Rightfully so. I am a man and in two weeks I will meet… Read more »
Jeroen_1983, good advice! Thanks for writing.
Very well stated. Thanks, dude. As an American man, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in what I’ve also experienced.