We hear often that Russians marry early. In fact, if men had it their way, Russian girls would be married by 21. It’s considered the right age “to create a family”, which means in Russia “to get married officially”, not to have kids. The union of a husband and a wife is already a “family” by the local standards.
Young Russians are expected to marry, not just date
There is a strong drive towards more traditional attitudes in love and relationships, which dictate that girls should strive to be pure when they marry.
Some female users of Elenasmodels.com stated that they seek a man who had no previous experience of sexual relations, because otherwise he had been “used”. The girls themselves save their purity for the husband. This behaviour is now set as exemplary for young Russians, who are growing up in the atmosphere of an increased influence from religions.
The most traditional religion in Russia is Orthodox Christianity, followed by Islam. Russia is multinational country with 85 federal subjects, including a large number of autonomous republics. Some nations such as Chechen, Ingush, Tatar and Bashkir are traditionally Muslim.
Christian churches and Muslim mosques are being constructed in large numbers in cities and towns across the territory of Russia, these mainstream religions are supported by the government. Government officials are often shown on TV attending religious services.
At the same time minor religious confessions such as Jehovah’s Witnesses and Scientology are officially banned in Russia.
Young couple is getting married in a traditionally opulent Christian Orthodox church.
Kids in Russia live with parents until marriage
Children in Russian families traditionally live with parents until they get married. Often young couples also live with either the wife’s or husband’s parents, even when they have their first child.
The reason for that is in low average wages and relatively high costs of renting. It’s hard for Russians to rent. This is why parents provide accommodation for young couples and in many cases buy their kids apartments where they can live.
But even if you are lucky to have your parents purchased a flat for you, it could become a problem, as Russian mothers-in-law love to tell their kids how to live their lives even after they are married.
Hundreds of new Christian cathedrals are erected in Russia every year. Photo: A new cathedral is being built in a Moscow suburb.
Lena and Sergei’s story
Dom is telling the story of Lena and Sergei, a young Moscow couple.
They got married as university students, without having any income. After dating for a couple of years, they decided to get married. The parents of young lovers were happy to support them with money for the wedding.
Lena was getting high marks in her studies, while Sergei’s results were rather average, and his parents hoped he would improve, once he is married and has to become more responsible.
It’s one of the reasons why Russian parents want their kids to marry young. They hope that once the child is married, he or she would need to become more serious and less chance to get in trouble.
The parents of the groom and the bride split expenses for the wedding and agreed to support them financially until the graduation, which would take another 3 years.
Lena’s parents were happy she managed to find a husband, which is a badge of honour for Russian girls, since there are more women than men in the country. Staying single beyond the age of 25 is a problem for Russian girls; marrying by 21 is ideal in the view of parents.
Renting is unaffordable for young Russian couples that marry while in college; they also have no money to buy a flat of their own. Photo: An ad for a new development on the website of River-park.ru.
A flat for the son
Sergei’s parents purchased a 1-room apartment for him long before he had grown up and were renting it out.
1-room apartments are the most popular type of property in Russia. Such flats have a separate kitchen and a bathroom, a small hall at the entrance, and one room, which serves are living during the day and as a bedroom during the night. Most Russians live in flats (small apartment units) in high-rise buildings.
The apartment that parents bought for Sergei was registered in his father’s name. The renters were informed and asked to move out, and after the nuptials newlyweds could start their own life together living on their own.
The young couple was pretty lucky, as most adolescents their age would only have a room in the parents’ apartment.
An example of a 1-room flat in Russia.
Lucky newlyweds
Lena’s parents didn’t interfere with their life, they were simply giving them some money to buy food. Lena worked as a private tutor, making a little bit of money on the side, but it would not be enough to be fully self-reliant.
However, Lena’s mother-in-law wanted to have much more input into their affairs. She didn’t work, and since Russians marry early, we can assume she was in her late 30s or early 40s. Having enough time on her hands, she decided to devote herself to the “kids”.
She was bringing them cooked meals, sometimes would come to the apartment and do a cleanup, when they weren’t there.
The young wife wasn’t happy about it but didn’t know how to deal with the situation without offending the supposedly well-meaning matriarch.
“If honestly, her visits made me feel tense. Understandably, she can cook better than me, and it’s nice when the flat is clean. But there was no freedom, we felt like we were being constantly watched; at any time the mother could come to check on us: What are we doing, isn’t her son hungry. In general, I was tolerating it because I was sure that she was doing it with good intentions, because she wanted to help,” Lena explains.
First problems
The first conflict happened when the young spouses invited friends over for a party. They had a lot of fun, stayed late, and some of the guests stayed over until the morning. In the morning everyone had to run, and there was no time to clean up. Unfortunately, the mother-in-law decided to pay one of her frequent visits on the day. She was categorically unhappy with what she saw and she told about it to the young spouses in no uncertain terms.
“Don’t turn the apartment into a pigsty!” she demanded.
“Even the renters never had such a horror for all the time they lived there.”
The young spouses didn’t want to have any problems, so friends’ visits were cut to the minimum, without overnight stays.
Lena started to clean more thoroughly; never leaving any unwashed dishes in the sink. She also started to spend more time cooking meals.
Then the young wife decided to redecorate their new apartment. The style left by tenants was outdated and worn out. For starters, she put the old rug in storage and purchased some new curtains from the money earned by tutoring. Over weekend, they spent two days on a quick cosmetic renovation. The apartment started to look prettier and fresher.
But Sergei’s parents were furious. The young spouses were told that the flat didn’t belong to them and they have no right to change anything there. The mother-in-law put forward “an ultimatum”: no more renovations, the rug should be put back where it was, and everything should remain exactly the same as it was before we moved in.
The breakup
After that Sergei’s mother attitude changed. It seemed like she was unhappy with kids’ way of life for a long time, and now the disappointments poured out. The mother-in-law said to Lena all she thought about her; Sergei took the wife’s side. The mother-in-law was deeply offended. She used to call every day; and she stopped. She also stopped her visits.
After a couple of weeks the couple was informed that the parents decided to sell the apartment. The prices were dropping and they decided to sell, so as not to lose money. Sergei and his wife had to move out within 2 weeks.
The newlyweds were in shock. Sergei, who was told since he was a schoolboy, that it was “his” apartment, was stunned.
But there was nothing they could do, so they had to move out. They packed their belongings and moved to a room in Lena’s parents apartment.
Moving on
Lena kept earning some money through tutoring. Sergei got a job and Lena was helping him in his studies, so he could graduate.
Eventually, they were able to rent an apartment on their own. Now they both work and able to provide for themselves, although they haven’t purchased a home as yet.
Lena views the actions of Sergei’s parents as “treacherous”, because they promised to support them and then kicked the young couple out. She doesn’t understand the reasons behind such actions. Maybe they were afraid for their property? Or simply wanted to put in place the daughter-in-law who dared to have her own opinion?
Lena nearly never talks to her in-laws. Sergei’s communication with parents is limited.
Lena thinks the situation they got in could have been a reason for a divorce. She now thinks it’s best to postpone marriage until such times when a couple has its own income and can afford to live separately.
But for the majority of young Russian couples it’s not possible. They are going to keep getting married while at college, under the pressure of societal expectations, and have to rely on their parents’ support and accommodation.
Read also:
- Why all Russian women want to leave
- Jim and Julia (USA, Russia): This year is our 10th wedding anniversary
- Sustenance level, income per person and average wages in Russia
- Can you order a Russian bride online?
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