Surprisingly enough, Russians and Ukrainians still believe in the hunter-prey dating model, according to which a man is supposed to pursue (stalk) a woman, who is ought to act as if she doesn’t want to be pursued (ignore him), even if she likes the guy. If you are trying to figure out how to date Russian girls, ask your father how women in 1970-1980’s liked to be treated. That’s how Russian women dream to be treated today.
The Hunter-Prey Scheme
I chat with Slavic girls all the time through my Russian blog.
Both Russian and Ukrainian girls, including young ones, believe that they should not make any moves in a relationship, otherwise the man may not like it and will not value the woman.
The hunter-prey dating model favours stalkers: Russian girls believe that a guy who relentlessly pursues her truly loves her.
They feel that giving a guy any encouragement in his pursuit would deem her “too easy” and the man would lose respect.
The whole Russian women’s advice industry tells them that “playing hard to get” is the only way to ensure a relationship will last. This means don’t return his calls or return them occasionally, pretend to be busy when you are not, be late for dates, etc.
Yes, that’s right: “The rules” they are adhering to are similar to the ones popular in 1980’s in the USA, UK.
The behaviour of a man that Russian girls are looking for is the one of a stalker: No matter what you tell him, he is going to keep coming after you. He calls you all the time, wants to know what you do, eat, who are you with, and tells you what to wear.
Remember the scene from 2015 movie The Man from U.N.C.L.E., where the Russian KGB agent (Arnie Hammer) tells his Slavic fiancée (Alicia Vikander), “My woman wouldn’t be dressing like this,” and then picks her clothes for her? That’s the loving Russian way, which a well brought up Slavic girl would appreciate.
Particularly in regard to foreign men, the musing on Russian sites is as following:
“Foreign men already think about Slavic girls as second class citizens who would do anything to immigrate. If you give him encouragement (or contact him first), he will think he already owns you. He needs to prove his worth to you before you can afford to be nice to him.”
I wish I was kidding but I am not. That’s exactly what I read in Russian forums for women seeking partners abroad. This means she is likely to be even more passive with you than she would be with a local guy, because she is cautious about you (the foreigner) thinking of her as inferior.
If you pursue her, she feels more secure that your interest is genuine.
How to Date Russian Girls
The “good manners” dating guide for Russian girls tells them the guy has to come to dates with flowers, pay for his lady in restaurants and entertainment venues, and constantly make attempts to seduce her. Any rejections from the woman should be taken as “she is just playing hard to get”.
- In the western world, we have already dismissed this type of behaviour in dating. No means no, there is no doubt about it.
- In the Russian world, stalking is the admirable persistence that women dream to see in their admirers. They believe that the stronger a man pursues her, the more he is committed and interested.
Russian girls believe that the stronger a man pursues her, the more he is committed and interested.
It is not rare for married Slavic women to admit that they didn’t like their (Russian) husbands when they first met them. However, the guys kept pursuing them (and the girls allowed them to do it), and eventually the women fell under their spell (most likely, the Champagne spell).
If you do not wish to be pushy, simply keep giving her flowers and small gifts, take her to restaurants, and she will be happy. (Sooner or later she may wish to make a move herself, because she too wants intimacy — of course Russian girls also enjoy affection.)
But she definitely expects more gallantry than a western girl — offering your hand when exiting a transport or a car, opening doors, moving chairs, holding her coat for her, carrying heavy bags, etc.
(See my Coaching Manual for Men Dating Russian, Ukrainian Women for more tips on successfully passing the trials of courting rituals.)
Just to make it clear: I don’t suggest stalking. I suggest you to be more understanding as to why women seem to be rather disinterested, even though they keep talking to you, why they don’t initiate.
Their cool reception is not due to their little interest in you but because they follow the protocol they have been taught. That’s the only way they know how to start a relationship with a man. (If she didn’t like you, she simply wouldn’t answer at all.)
Vice versa, girls who are extremely forthcoming and openly encouraging are to be treated with suspicion. These women may pursue some other agenda, since they are not following the rules for Russian women who seek a lasting love.
Particularly, if you are paying for each message (paid chat) and you met your love interest online, you need to urgently read this post: How Russian (Ukrainian) paid chat sites really work.
Asking Women How They Like To Be Courted
If a Russian girl has to tell the guy how to court her, it doesn’t count in her books.
In the books of Russian women, if she has to tell the guy how to court her, it doesn’t count.
The same goes for gifts: Most women are adamant that they would not tell a guy what they wanted as a gift, even if he asked.
Their motivation: “The gift has to be a surprise.”
Even if she doesn’t like it, it’s still a higher value for her to get a “surprise” gift than a present that she would really like, if she had to provide instructions to a man about her likes and dislikes.
“If he really likes me, he would know,” they believe.
This is why it’s pointless to ask women how they want to be courted. You are supposed to read their minds.
Just kidding: It’s not possible.
But you can find out about it in my VIP Coaching program, which will save you tons of time and money in dating Russian girls. Better get it now.
Read also:
- My Russian Boyfriend — Dating Western Men vs. Russian Men
- My Model Girlfriend — Date a Real-Life Model
- 7 core beliefs of Russian and Ukrainian women in love and dating
- 58 questions to ask Russian and Ukrainian women when dating
Yes, this is a very big difference in culture between East and West. The problem is, that girls in East Europe expect, that a man fights hard for them. Because they think, that only then a man values them. But from Western mentality, the good men accept a “no” as a “no”. And if there is no positive feedback from a girl, they stop fighting. Only men who are professional hunters or are not good men are fighting for a girl (stalking). And when they get what they want, they lose either interest or they have really bad behaviour. In… Read more »
Winfried, You should simply remember about this difference. Bear it in mind. Use flowers, use gifts to show the girl that you are working hard to win her over. Personal gifts that are not expensive are the best (see ideas here). The gifts, of course, should not be requested by the girl. Nor she should ask you to go shopping and expect you to pay — this is how predators behave. Normal Russian girls, as you said, barely give positive feedback, because they all have been brought up in this “hunter-prey” mentality. They just wait passively for you to “win… Read more »
No, he shall not. ANY woman who needs so much “work and convincing” is either not that interested, or is a loon, no matter what culture it is. It´s boring and manipulative (i.e. dishonest) . A good man deserves better, and a woman like that deserves to stay single (or spend YEARS on dating sites that will lead to nothing).
I think the best way to court a girl of any nation and race is to take her to restaurants and movies, buy her flowers and take her on vacations without even trying to kiss her. After a month of such dating she will have “I love you” written on her forehead – and here’s when the man can marry her or sleep with her or whatever he likes. Both men and women are quite impatient so it’s the best strategy so far. If only expensive.
That’s how to date Russian girls! 🙂 🙂 How do you like this, guys? 😉 OMG! “I am the pretty princess, the prize, come and get me”. If you thought I was exaggerating, I was not. Russian girls are trained (by media, by cultural standards) to think that a man should “win” them. The problem with this scheme is that she will let you “court” her even if she does not like you and cannot see herself being with you ever. They are trained that “men love chasing women”, so she thinks you enjoy the chase even if there is… Read more »
Do you think a Western man will not let the girl constantly treat him to restaurants and vacations even if is not going to marry her? 😉
Maria, Marriage is not the goal for people dating, in the western countries. The goal of dating is to find the right person: someone you like and someone who likes you. When you have found this person, you become a girlfriend and a boyfriend, you are in a relationship. When you have been in a relationship long enough, and you really enjoy it, and you are looking to settle down, then people get married sometimes. It’s a natural progression. But the goal is to find a partner that you feel attracted to and enjoy being with – not free meals… Read more »
Your honest answer confirms my belief that chasing such girls is a waste of time, as well as money. Maybe “The Rules” explains why so many of them are single. No wonder Russian men want nothing to do with them.
If you are being ironic, I agree with you.
A quality Western man would never accept that dynamic.
Elena, I like your truthful posts and advice. Just a quick question: What kind of race/ethnicity do Russian girls typically prefer? (For example Whites, Asians, Hispanic, etc, etc..). And what kind of race/ethnicity do they find uninteresting?
Do feel free to give blunt, truthful responses. I will not say that you are racist and etc.
Joshua, The majority of people who are not racist, don’t think about the ethnicity when looking for love. The ones who are racist (whether they are Caucasians, Hispanics, Africans, or Asians) usually prefer to date within their own ethnicity. So, there is no clear answer to your question. Normally, scientists tell us, we are attracted to people who are similar to us. Most people will usually select a person of their own ethnicity as a partner. This works worldwide. Some people will select a partner of a different ethnicity. Some people only have relationships within their own ethnicity or nationality.… Read more »
My boyfriend is a greek but i never searched somewhere this opportunity. I never could imagine myself to date with a foreigner. We met each other for work in international project. I don’t think somebody obsessed to find a russian girl would be able to get me interested. And this idea sounds not so healthy for my ears.
In any culture, a man who takes all that game playing crap is just a chump- and if Russian women are really looking for a Western man, they´d better realize that the silly game playing and disrespect will just make him move on to other girls with a better attitude.
I have to agree, at least if there really is “game playing”, as in if a woman strings a man along and does not reciprocate interest in him. While I do understand (from personal experience) that in some cultures women want to be “won over”, and western men are still very happy to have a woman who appreciates traditional pursuit from a man, the problem is that here in the USA/Canada women who do not show interest are so common that men like myself take that to mean that they’re not interested and will quickly move on. Women here are… Read more »
Elena, I (a 65 year old man) posted this question on another article making it irrelevant but here I go again: I dated a nationalized Ukrainian 58 year old woman with strong traditional Russian family ties so I believe she still is influenced by her Russian cultural upbringing. After dating for a year we began discussing marriage but I never formally asked her, more a tease by talking about the size of the ring and our honeymoon. To my surprise she soon did a 180 turn around and has gone silent, making me the hunter. I love her with my… Read more »
Michael, your story sounds different every time you tell it. I don’t think your problem is the “hunter-prey” dating model that Russian and Ukrainian girls are accusomted to. The lady you are involved with is quite naturalized after living in your country for 20 years.
Guess I found out my answer today. It is time to stop the stalking when she takes the beautiful red roses you just brought to her and dumps them in the trash bin right in front of me! Pretty strong statement!
Michael, you must have screwed up pretty badly I guess! 😮
It appears to me that what I am witnessing thru all these posts is what contributes to miscommunication! There is nothing wrong with showing interest and courtship in conquering a woman’s heart! But within limits provided that the energy invested is with the best intentions. Perhaps the Ukrainian or Russian environment should adapt a better system for raising women, God’s Laws, not psychology. They are all princesses, wanting to be spoiled, and most probably selfish! I will meet any woman half-way, treat her as an equal, with dignity, care, support, respect, and create a loving environment that is healthy for… Read more »
Dave, not sure what you are talking about. Russian women are mentally strong, resilient and definitely not “princesses”. Have you lived in Russia for at least 5-6 weeks and talked to real Russian people, been invited to their homes? The courtship ritual is a different thing though. In Russia, once a woman accepts a man’s advances, she is actually his servant and has to cook, clean, do the washing, ironing, grocery shopping etc. That’s probably one of the reasons Russian girls love to extend the courtship period when it is the man who does something for her. You can do… Read more »
Elena! You know what you know, but you do not know what I know. I have traveled the world on business, I am cultured, and highly educated. Being mentally strong means you have integrity, you know the right from wrong, you have common sense values, you know where your strength comes from, you are confident, you love yourself, you are positive, you feel good, you are of value to your family, friends, and society as a whole, and you analyze circumstances and are able to determine stay or walk away when you are at risk in the relationship. Given, what… Read more »
Dave, “Given, what you describe about Russian women, it appears they are sex objects to Russian men, with no sense of self worth or dignity what so ever!” Unfortunately, you are right. I am trying to educate women on the ways of the developed world, but I feel I am fighting a losing battle (I feel the same regarding explaining to men the mechanics of PPL). Russian women are trained by their culture and indoctrinated that they should strive to be a man’s favourite toy, that’s ‘the dream come true’ (which would be the ‘princess’ status your Russian/Ukrainian friends refer… Read more »
Thank You Elena! The concept and the processes for men and women are quite the same as it is when one is traveling to another country to engage in business or to live. One must adapt to the culture at hand if one wants to be successful. The same applies to Love! And Love overcomes any obstacle when two people want to be together and make the commitment to be together. In other words, it is not one party that changes, both parties change unconditionally to meet their mates expectations. That is the core to it all! If you want… Read more »
Newbie to the game here. Chatted this girl from one of the FSU states, born and bred there. Both of us are in early 20’s. We just get acquainted on the net, had amazing conversations over text but only today she just gave cold responses – does this reflect the hunter/prey dating model?
Ash, if a women grew up in the USA, no, she’s not into this Russian thing with hunter-prey.
Sorry for not making it clear – she’s born and currently living in Belarus.
Ash,
Oh, in this case she is upset with you for something, but you have to figure out what is it yourself, she’s not going to tell you 😉