When I write about rules of Russian dating, I often get surprised comments from western guys. They cannot believe how dissimilar the process of courtship works in Russia.
These tips by the most famous Russian matchmaker and star of TV program “Let’s Get Married” 54-year-old Roza Syabitova (aka Rosa Sabitova) may sound shocking to some readers. But for Russian girls, it’s what they read in every women’s magazine and hear on TV all the time.
Similar advice and views are promoted as “correct” by the media and local dating coaches. This is why Russian ladies behave in dating and relationships the way they do, especially in the early stages (until she is sure about the guy’s intentions, see tips #4 and #12).
Snatching a husband
It goes without saying in Russia that the only goal of a female seeking a potential relationship is to get married.
Russians don’t even have a word for “dating”: It’s introductions (znakomstva), and then it’s a relationship. There is a word for “courtship” though (uhazhivania). When a guy tries to win a lady’s heart (before they become intimate), he is considered to be “courting” the lady (uhazhivaet).
During the courtship, a girl is supposed to figure out whether her admirer just wants her body or has serious intentions, which means marriage. If he is not going to marry her (“create a family“), then he is going to simply “use” her, that’s the view (see tip #4).
So, this is what #1 Russian matchmaker Roza Syabitova advises to local girls if they want to get married, as recorded by Teleprogramma.ru.
Roza Syabitova is Russia’s #1 matchmaker. Lots of local girls follow her advice.
20 tips by Roza Syabitova to Russian women seeking marriage
- Search for a husband is a serious work. It’s necessary to have the attitude here as if you were seeking a prospective job.
- Choose yourself what is more important for you, to love or be loved. A woman is happier in a marriage if she is loved.
- Passionate love is a bad foundation for good relationships with a potential [of marriage]. When choosing a life partner, [you] should somewhat turn down the excitement in the aspect of love and switch on brains.
- If a man were a breeder of pedigree horses, where a horse is a woman. Then any breeder (man) seeks and knows, who she is, his favorite, who will become his Destiny. While the search is ongoing, the breeder (man) uses “horses for other purposes”. The task of a woman is to understand her prospects: A “horse” or a “favorite”. Only the “favorite” gets everything!
- You should demonstrate your best qualities. Men love with their eyes, this is why [you should] constantly exercise physically. [You are] not allowed to burden the man with information about your illnesses, imaginary shortcomings. Too much negativity will lead to a breakup.
- Men who are getting over a breakup are easy to [make to] marry you. [You] should just intercept the love of the other woman!
- When two people suffered the same pain, their hearts wounded by lies, at first it brings people together, there is an understanding of each other. But when the soul heals, this circumstance could become an obstacle for a relationship. One should be ready for that and approach it with common sense.
- A man and pride are incompatible terms. Remove the pride, [you] will be with a man!
- Three main virtues of a woman, which drive men crazy: Patience, sweet talk, and the ability to keep secrets.
- Treating a man well, at the end, spoils him. Remember, in relation to a man it’s possible to use constructive criticism, as well as praise. But there should be more praise. And don’t forget to show the limits of your patience.
- Men like initiative from women’s side but they don’t like intrusiveness. And women often cannot find the boundary where an initiative becomes intrusiveness. The secret is simple. Intrusiveness doesn’t leave a choice to a man.
- Men know exactly what they want. And it gives help to women. If a man doesn’t want to get married, he will not get married. If he wants to make a mistress from a woman, she will be a mistress. The woman should attentively listen to a man and understand what he wants. If he doesn’t offer you to marry him, dismiss him!
- Always look at the things from the bright side, and if there are no such [sides], polish the dark [sides] until they shine.
- Reporters often ask me this question about my attitude towards “civil [de-facto] marriages”. My position is clear. Civil marriage is a marriage registered by the state marriage registry. And what is usually called “civil marriage” is a banal cohabitation.
- Wife is not a lifelong position. For a man it’s an elective vacancy that he tries to reconsider every 4 years!
- When they are trying to win us over, men are showing all of their best, and then they relax. They promise to make us happy. I have not seen any absolutely happy wife. It’s just a declaration. Frankly, we women also do the same by promising to be affectionate and fluffy. But where the bitchy wives come from? There is one reference point. Choose a man who made at least one woman a little bit happy!
- The husband should be galloping in front on a white horse, and the wife is at the back, riding in a carriage. If you swap places, nothing good will come out of that, men do not forgive success to women. No matter how smart the man is, he still wants to be in front. The women who know about this peculiarity can save the family [marriage], others divorce.
- If a woman takes upon herself leadership in a couple, then the man will not fight for priorities, he will either walk away and find someone more agreeable, or he will simply allow her [to be the leader], and [he] will be lying on a sofa. Manage not to destroy the relationship and do not spoil the man. The family [marriage] strategy is the woman’s lot.
- The way to a man’s heart lies through his EGO! His stomach is the second, necessary way. Let him feel that he is “the most of the most”, and he will be yours. But criticism should also be present: 70% praise, 30% criticism. A good kick won’t hurt, when he starts working as the “driver of the sofa.”
- Seek a partner from the position of choice, not scarceness. In other words, it’s wrong to go hungry to a shop, you will take the first thing you see, to soothe hunger.
Roza Syabitova teaches Russian girls to follow a man’s lead, if they want to get married.
What do you think of Syabitova’s relationship rules for girls?
I did my best translating as close to the original text as possible, to deliver the message. If the tip doesn’t really make sense, it’s the same in the original. Some of these tips seem to be rather deliberations than directions to follow.
One thing is clear: Roza Syabitova doesn’t consider any relationship that is not heading towards the altar as worthy to keep.
Another cornerstone of her love doctrine is to “forgive cheating” to men, Cosmo.ru published. Yes, that’s the Russian version of Cosmopolitan! The glossy publication for young girls entering their adulthood.
Syabitova believes that infidelity (by a male) is not a reason to divorce him. She insists that men are “polygamous” by nature and in modern times being faithful is hard. “If he cheats, it means he functions,” Syabitova states.
This is how she educated her daughter Ksenia as well. Married at the age of 21, the young wife believes that because she is “not a photo model with giant breasts”, she should not expect her husband to be faithful. (Even though she got married a virgin, as 22-year-old Ksenia affirms.) Her famous mother is confident that although her daughter’s spouse is a “decent boy”, he still will be cheating on her, like all other Russian men. And, obviously, it’s not a bit deal. The publication is dated 2016.
What else Russia’s top matchmaker teachers her daughter? To fulfil her husband’s every whim. “The wife should appear like a Genie from a bottle. When she is needed, she is here, and when she’s not needed, she is not.”
(I wish I was kidding! But that’s the exact quotes.)
Russian dating coaches
By the way, Syabitova is not the most extreme of Russian matchmakers by any means.
There are male dating coaches that teach girls to beg for expensive gifts (it’s considered to be a proof of the guy’s serious intentions). These coaches also advise women that they should not work and support themselves: It’s unhelpful for a lady seeking a wealthy husband. All she needs to do is to exercise in a gym, take care of herself, and look pretty. Then all her dreams will come true. (The customary model of dating in Russia is “Hunter-prey“, where a male is supposed to vigorously pursue the female.)
By the way, Syabitova repeatedly insisted that a woman’s worth drops rapidly after the age of 27. This attitude towards females who couldn’t “snatch a husband” by their mid-twenties still persists in today’s modern, sophisticated Russia.
At least, Syabitova is not pushing women in the direction of seeking money as the only destination for happiness. But the view that a woman will be happier if she is loved but doesn’t love too much is quite a prevalent idea that I hear often from post-USSR girls. They are scared to like a guy too much, as they already in advance worry what will happen if her leaves her. (As if a guy she does not like is not going to leave her, ever?)
Way forward
Now that you know what Russian girls are brainwashed with on a daily basis, hopefully my tips make more sense.
Check my VIP coaching program—it will guide you seamlessly through the unknown to you terrain of Russian dating. So far, it has been working for the guys who followed its simple and practical advice.
Read also:
- 10 things that put off Russian, Ukrainian girls instantly
- What Russian is known for? 10 things that Russians are proud of
- Russian dating rules: Do Russian men still pay for dates?
- Why Russian, Ukrainian women want to marry Americans (Australians, Europeans, etc)?
Syabitova may be informed about Russian woman, she certainly is not on western man so appears. Such a one dimensional, outdated view on western man she had. One example. That western man look only with their eyes and just for appearance, that they do not want to be bothered with personnal matters as illness, etc. By telling this she does not know what man are like, at least man in a country like The Netherlands which sure so not differ much from other western man. She really has no idea or had just met soms odd man in the west.… Read more »
John,
Roza Syabitova gives tips to Russian women how to behave with RUSSIAN men. This is how local dating and relationships (between men and women living in Russia) are supposed to work. That’s the “correct” way.
She does a good job of describing the masculine men I know. Though, men in the US aren’t particularly masculine. The women in the US aren’t particularly feminine, either.
I recently concluded that the differences between me (from New York originally, though more western european in attitude) and Russian and Ukrainian women (perhaps all women from ex-soviet countries) are too vast for a successful and fulfilling day to day relationship or marriage. It took many attempts with various women on this site (some fun and enjoyable, others not) including a long term serious relationship though never living in the same place, to realize this. Reading these tips only adds to the confirmation that a non-traditional man who wants a partner or a woman who is her own person and… Read more »
Joseph,
Yes, what Roza Syabitova and local matchmakers and dating coaches try to instill in Russian women is similar to what western mentors and books talked about in 1980-90s. But there are authors, myself included, who teach Russian girls how to have a fulfilling life with a man together. For instance, here on the blog 3,000 women read my articles daily, as well as buy books how to date western men. So, it’s easy to raise such topics when you are talking to women, right from the start.
Joseph,
What exactly do you not like in Russian and Ukrainian ladies? What does your relationship impossible? Maybe the problem is in you or maybe you choose the wrong type of women?
Well, some tips seem to be useful, some of them are doubtful, but #12 is absolutely wrong! My sister lived together with he husband for 4 years not being officially married. During the first two years he constantly repeated that he didn’t want to legalize the relationship. But she was patient and didn’t insist. All she did was being near him. In the end, he might have understood something and here they are – a married couple with two lovely twins! Men don’t know what they want until they see all the possible variants.
Many of us are simply afraid to stay alone. And this fear stops us from making the first step. Even when we see a person we like, we can’t come and say “Hello”. If someone else makes the first step for us, a matchmaker, it makes it simpler.
I’m in shock. What a medieval Russia?! First of all, I’d like to address foreigners. If you want to date (or marry) a silly cow that can only give milk and birth to children, you can follow these tips. But if you want an adequate girl who is pleasant not only to have sex, but for example to chat to, don’t ever never read such stuff!