Some people see prenups as a sign of partners having little trust in each other, others argue that it’s important to protect oneself. If you are planning to ask your future fiancée to sign a prenuptial agreement, scientists found the best way to talk about it.

How do I talk about a prenup with the woman I love?

Talking openly about finances is one of the keys to successful relationships, many previous studies have confirmed. However, there is nearly no scientific work done in the field of prenups, researchers from the University of North Carolina discovered.

Lynsey Romo, an associate professor at NCSU and a specialist in communication, pointed out that the topic of prenuptial agreements is a divisive one. Some people see prenups as a lack of faith in the union before it’s even official.

However, after analysing over 26 thousand messages on the topic of prenups, researchers were shocked to discover that most of the people wanting to express their opinions had an overwhelmingly positive view of pre-marriage financial agreements.

Initially Romo and her colleagues were intending to conduct personal interviews with people who opted to sign a prenup. However, it’s proven to be an impossible task to find enough subjects who were willing to admit having a prenuptial agreement and open to discussing it with scientists.

Undiscouraged, researchers looked at other sources of opinions and found over 26,000 messages about prenups on Reddit, an online forum where people can openly voice their views on any topic, while staying anonymous.

The scholars then coded all the messages in threads by hand, to categorize them for analysis.

Most of the people had positive view of pre-marriage financial agreements.

2 major views on prenups

Most obviously, people in discussions were divided by either positive or negative view on prenuptial agreements.

1. The first camp argued that the very essence of prenups contradicts the idea of marriage as a lifelong commitment. Having a prenuptial agreement for them was like showing doubt in the future union before it’s even officiated.
2. The second camp, featuring the majority of messages in threads, supported a positive outlook on the idea of prenups, finding various arguments in favour of signing one before marriage.

The way the second group voiced their opinions was predominantly metaphorical, Romo pointed out.

People took some other aspects of life that are unanimously approved by the society and compared prenuptial agreements with one of them.

• Insurance policy: People buy insurance for their cars, health, or homes, even though none of us wishes to get into an automotive accident, get sick, or have a fire in the house.
• Safety measure: Getting a car with air bags doesn’t mean one can forgo checking brakes and tires. It would be weird to suggest that having air bags in the car means you aren’t committed to making it work.
• Contractual agreement: Marriage is a contract, so it’s only logical to discuss all aspects of it. When 2 companies merge, they always discuss all nuances and steps in a great detail.

Noticeably, metaphors allowed for a razor-sharp reframing of the concept of prenups, showcasing advantages and merit of such agreements.

Marriage is a contract, so it’s only logical to discuss all aspects of it.

When is the best time to talk about a prenup?

People tend to be on their best behaviour in the initial stages of a relationship, points out Elena Petrova, founder of Elenasmodels.com and the author of the popular VIP Coaching Program for men dating Russian, Ukrainian women.

According to Elena, the best time to discuss prenups could be in the initial stages of dating when you can open a discussion without making it personal.

“You could simply mention a book or a show, or a proverbial situation with a friend who is about to get married, and bring up the subject of prenups in this context, asking for a woman’s opinion about it. Usually, people have a more generous view when it’s not about their self-interest and they don’t feel like there are under scrutiny.

“It could even be that the woman never thought about it before and she will be able to form an opinion during your discussion. Once a person voiced their view, they subconsciously feel a need to correspond to this opinion later.

“If the woman is capable and has some of her own assets such as home, property, or business, then she will also understand the need to protect what’s been earned by her hard work.

“In fact, nowadays the situation is often reversed when a lady has more wealth than her male partner, and this, too, could be a subject of your initial discussion about prenups. In any case, it’s worth thinking it through and understanding the views and aspirations of the woman you are dating or have a relationship with.”

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