I never thought I would be saying that, but apparently, playing hard to get really works. A team of researchers ventured to see if this strategy is successful in increasing the potential mate’s desirability and efforts to get them, and it does.

People place higher value on mates that are hard to get

Is it possible to find our experimentally whether the famous mating strategy “playing hard to get” works or not? Researchers from the University of Rochester set such a task and successfully confirmed that the known strategy indeed works.

Reciprocity of attraction vs. desirability

We tend to like people who like us, previous research confirmed. Reducing the likelihood of rejection is useful in the beginning of the relationship. But at the same time people tend to value more what was harder to get and required more effort.

“Hard to get” is the strategy that basically instils uncertainly of the outcome.

Researchers designed 3 different studies to see whether this strategy makes a mate more desirable, and had proven that it does.

To do that, they employed insiders who were acting in a certain way, in order to check the concept. Other participants thought the insiders were also just taking part in the study and didn’t expect them to be behaving as instructed.

1. The first study included online profiles of people who either were highly selective or easy to get. On the other end of the online profile it was operated by an insider. Depending on how the interactions were handled, participants valued people who showed selectiveness higher.
2. In the second part of the study, people were talking about certain subjects, in which insiders would express a different preference than the participant on 7 out of 10 issues. Here part of the insiders would allow a discussion and then were “convinced” to change their view to that of the participant, while the second group just stated their opinion but didn’t hold discussions. What was discovered, not only selectiveness would cause a higher desire to get the person, but also the effort involved: People who held discussions to convince the insider valued them higher than the ones who didn’t invest any efforts.
3. In the third study interactions were unscripted but coded for efforts and then the level of attractiveness of a partner was checked. It again demonstrated that people who were harder to get caused participants to value them higher, and caused a stronger desire to see them again.

Tips from scientists

The key findings of the study:

• People see a greater mate value in those who are harder to get.
• If a person invested more efforts into getting the candidate, their desirability increased.
• The desire to see the potential partner was also higher if people invested more efforts.

Harry Reis, the study’s author, pointed out, “We all want to date people with higher mate value. We’re trying to make the best deal we can.”

But at the same time, scientists warn against appearing arrogant or disinterested, as this could backfire. It’s important to show initial interest, but at the same time it’s wise not to reveal too much about yourself, as people are “less likely to desire what they already have”, Gurit Birnbaum from Israel’s IDC Herzliya says. Building a connection with a prospective partner gradually is the best strategy for building desire to get to know you better.

At the same time, it’s important that the person feels their efforts are likely to eventually be successful.

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